


white anxiety

by sanamomozaki



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, depressive af, way too realistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 17:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12752640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanamomozaki/pseuds/sanamomozaki
Summary: Time is slowly ticking away; the emptiness is still there, people still live their own lives, and minutes feel like days while Nayeon stands on her own feet, watching birds fly high on the sky from building's rooftop.Nayeon is standing on the edge, and Jihyo, a woman Nayeon never met before, is standing afar from her, thinking of what should she do now.(a lil bit personal, but try to enjoy)





	white anxiety

As I am standing on the rooftop, I wonder what is the purpose of my existance. It was stupid to sneek away from lunch to just stand here all alone while having such thoughts. It was pathetic, but I got used to it. It’s just another day, and my office at work felt way too suffocating. Sitting all day while typing automatically on computer made my brain numb and emotionally dry. No matter what happened, if I was drunk, or if I laughed, cried, smiled, those emotions would be accompanied with undeniable emptiness I tried way too hard to deny. I laughed, but in the same time, I wanted to peel off all my skin and just dissapear without anyone knowing. My family and friends pulled my suicidal thoughts back in the beginning, but the dear ones somehow managed to slip out of my mind when I stared at the reflection in my mirror. White flashes in my eyes as I look up to the grey sky; I am thinking of what I should make for dinner. The same, old, repetitive and way too familiar way of living – waking up, washing my face, getting dressed, getting on subway, chewing on some food I bought for little money, spending all day in office, coming back home tired and going to sleep. All day, every day.

And I know I chose all of this for myself. It was my choise to live all alone, it was my choise to get rid of world around me. I expected that someone’s hands would reach for me, to get me out of deep and dark water while I’m drowning, but nobody was never there. What was worse was the fact that it felt like I was drowning forever.

 

My parents have been strict to me all my life; from days when I was still a toddler, to moments where I stood beside their beds, watching them slowly closing their eyes, until now, where I am standing all alone on the rooftop. They scolded me for eating too much candy and not enough vegetables; they didn’t let me rely on them when I divorced my ex-husband. They loved me, but never showed it, and I did the same. I didn’t want to support them while they were sick. It was stupid, but my stubborn self didn’t let me let go of my cheap pride. After the funeral of my father, when I got home, I stood next to the window where he usually stood everytime he would come over, and I wondered why did I feel so weird. I was supposed to be heartbroken, to cry all day and listen to sad songs to make the sadness go away. Instead of that, I stupidely turned on some TV show, forcing myself to laugh at something I didn’t even pay attention at and then falling asleep on a chair, still dressed in funeral clothes.

I grew flowers at home – my favourite ones were lilies of the valley, white roses and tulips. My garden was small, but I loved taking care of it. Sometimes, I would forget watering them, and this morning, my favourite white rose became dry. That’s why I am standing at the rooftop right now. I promised to myself I wouldn’t let anything bother me, since my fridge was full of soju bottles I bought for myself last night. This night is supposed to be special. I am supposed to spend this night drinking alone and falling asleep in peace. But here I am; the rooftop, where I once again screamed with my mouth shut. I am still looking at the sky, feeling cold rain sipping on my face a little bit. I get closer to the edge, inhaling and exhaling heavy air through my lungs. I am throwing a glance at the watch – 12:15 AM. Fifteen minutes until the end of lunch time. I will have to go back to work. Then I will get on subway. I will get home, eat something and fall asleep. Tomorrow, too. I will do nothing new, I will ignore all calls from my ex-husband, I will try to call my father’s phone number though I know it has been deactivated for ages. I will look at the medicine my sister bought me when she dragged me to the doctor for the first time, and leave it in next to the glass half full of water.

Ah, right. In a few days, it will be my 35th birthday. I guess I will buy something to drink again after work.

I sigh again.

I lean over the edge – the city is still moving, cars are shouting, people move and move. The world is never stopping its life. Everything happens and continues going in its way, but the heaviness in my chest only becomes more and more burdensome. I fear of loneliness I faced all my life, but the tightened feeling of a ring around my soul inside me doesn’t let me cry out to somehow get rid of that loneliness. My shoulders feel heavy as the rain sips on my face again, wiping off a little makeup I put on my face, but I don’t care. I want the rain to let me flow along itself far, far away, to leave on some unknown place where everything is different from here. I can only imagine how would it look like. A place with no huge, grey buildings that feel like walls around you, no people who curse on you with the bitterness of daily life. A place filled with animals happily jumping around you, colourful flowers all over the green field and sound of laughter. Something warm.

 

I close my eyes and open again, but this time, my cheeks are wet. Yes, it was raining, so they were wet before, but I simply know. They are warm. The heaviness is stronger than before, and it won’t stop no matter how much I screamed for it to stop inside me. I don’t even know what is going on around me or what am I really doing, the only feeling I have is that I’m climbing at the most far edge of the rooftop. I stare at the city, I stare at little dots – people moving, only caring about their own problems and concerns. I stand here, I stand and visualise what would happen if I really jumped down there. The street looks like an ambyss with no end, and I imagine myself falling forever in never stopping agony. A part of me pulls me back to job and real life, and the other is making me look at the world under my feet, to jump and swim across the sea of world I wanted to dive in so badly.

In that way, I look around the busy city – I whisper my last wish and prayer. I mentally slap myself as I think of my sister that like an idiot tried her best to cure my illness – but nothing can stop me now. I pray to God, I pray for Him to forgive me my selfishness. I am a coward, and I deserve everything that has happened to me. I deserve that because of my parents and all people I have somehow hurt. And finally, I open my eyes, and I want to move, but I can’t. I try it over and over again, but something is stopping me. Everything is becoming distorted, and cry for life inside me suddenly starts growing with unbelievable speed. I panic, almost breaking down in tears, but I still can’t move, not even one centimeter. Trying to settle down, I close my eyes again. Maybe it will be easier to jump while not looking. I close them tight, so much not even the brightest light could open them. I clench my fists and put my left leg in the air so I could fall into infinity. However, a foreign force is pulling me back. Like someone suddenly woke me up from deep sleep, I come back becoming absolutely aware of everything has happend in past fifteen minutes. I fall back on the roof, and I feel something similar to unconciousness. The floor is now as soft as a cloud, and when I finally open my eyes, I see a stranger in front of me, also on the floor.

A woman. Woman that stares at me just like I do at her. None of us speak – our stares become confused gazes. The fear in woman’s eyes was converted into comforting support. Her facial expressions aren’t changing, but I can feel the stone from my heart falling down. Everything is so much lighter, so much simpler, much easier. I didn’t even realize that tears were streaming down my face. My eyes travel down, and I see a name tag on her coat: Park Jihyo, lawyer.

She doesn’t move, and neither do I for solid fife minutes, until my hands get in the air, like a child looking for mother’s hug. With no words, I fall into woman’s embrace and I start crying so much that my eyesight’s completely blurry. The tears probably ruined the woman’s coat on her shoulder, but I can’t help it.

The tears were everything I kept in for years, and suddenly releasing them felt shocking to me. Park Jihyo, on the other hand, doesn’t seem like she is surprised at how much I cried. I was genuinely glad that I was alive for the first time in my life – and God, I liked that feeling so much. I feel like I have just finished taking the hardest exam ever. Jihyo let her fingers run through my hair, comforting me without saying anything. Breathing now felt like breathing for the first time, and with a loud sigh I realize that the only life I had has just been saved. The weight on my shoulders is gone like the emptiness in my chest, which was filled with gratefulness instead. Inside me, I feel like I was reborn, and the tears are still streaming down my face. Jihyo’s embrace becomes warmer and warmer as time passes, and I desperately didn’t want to let go of it. My loud cries became soft and quiet sobbings; I felt like a baby.

Jihyo slowly lets me out of hug so she can gently wipe the tears on my face with her slender fingers. I open my mouth to say something, but she stops me, taking my hand in hers and she is leading me somewhere. I’m not even aware where – but it doesn’t matter. When I become aware of reality, I realize I’m in her office. At least, it seems like that. Still with no words, Jihyo lets me sit in her comfortable chair and gives me some food. The last thing I want right now is to eat, but I start greedily chewing on the kimbap anyway. It was that cheap kimbap you can buy in every grocery store, but in this moment, it is like the most delicious dish on this world.

I move my gaze up, and I see Jihyo looking at me gently while I am eating. I try to curve my lips into a small smile, but I can’t. Before all of this happened, I could smile wherever and whenever. It was fake, but it was feasible. I feel sort of weird all the time. I almost can’t believe that all of this has actually happened.

Anyway, I realized that this person in front of me has just donated me my life back. Essentially, she stopped me from throwing it away for no reason. I want to thank her so bad, but I can’t even do that. Both of us are quiet until we are on the taxi station she called for before. We are waiting for the cab to come, and I gain the courage to finally say Thank you.

Hearing my voice for the first time, she nods her head, still holding my hand. The taxi arrives, and putting me inside the car, she smiles a little for the first time and says:

„Be careful on your way home.“

 

That was the first and last thing that the person I owed my life to said. I have never seen her again anymore, though I have tried my best to find her. I asked the company staff who was she, and the only information I got was that she was one of lawyers from partner company and that they didn’t know anything else about her. I went to her company as well, and they told me that she quit and left to America. I continued looking for her anyway,but days, weeks and months passed, yet I was still unable to find her. That day was really a day I could never forget. A week after the accident, I told my sister I wanted to go on therapy my doctor prescribed me. I decided to live despite my depression – and that decision was achieved though I almost paid that with my head. If Park Jihyo didn’t come to the rooftop that day, I don’t know where I would be right now.

Photography was something I always liked but never got time or will to do it, however later it became my passion. I began to work on weekends and I started making a little money out of it, and that truly made me happy. I even found someone I loved – but I have never told anyone about Jihyo. I wanted that someone to be her, but she wasn't there. However, her enter in my life was the beginning of a new page. The beginning of something more beautiful. More idealistic.

Every single day was filled with gratefulness. Depression didn’t just dissapear by itself immediately, but the more time passed by, the emptiness inside me filled in with joy of living more. I somehow succeeded in surviving and beating the mental illness, the biggest black hole in my whole life. The white roses started growing again, and more sorts of flowers were in my garden. Visiting my parents’ grave, instead of blaming myself for their death, I thanked myself for loving them even though I didn’t show it enough.With that, life continued walking on its way.


End file.
